Day 103 (ish)

Yesterday I had an eventful day. I did some Adulting bank stuff, picked up a new desk for my room, met up with a friend for lunch and caught up, then I hung out with Marie for a Gurl dayt. This scribble was in the restroom where my friend and I had lunch, I don’t know why, I wanted to take the picture. Love yourself.

She and I were running late so I was worried we weren’t going to reach the shops in time, but we did and ended up getting things we wanted so it worked out.

While we were driving Marie started to talk about how I think I’m an introvert but I’m really not. Honestly I AM an introvert, but her points were for different things. She says I’m bold, that sometimes I make decisions that show I’m up for adventure and fun. She says that I don’t know my own potential, that I can go rather far if I let myself.

And she’s right that I don’t know my potential, I’ve been told that before by others, and I know I have potential but I don’t know how to express/show it or how to go about it or even where my potential lands because I’m still trying to figure out everything as I go. I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know where I’ll be after I graduate, I don’t know anything. But there is one thing that I know. Why do I sometimes not follow a chance or make a bold choice? Because I’m like everyone else: I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid of rejection, I’m afraid my best isn’t good enough or my attempt will just show me as a fool. This year I’ve learned to get over that fear and just go “fuck it” and see what happens, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my weak moments. I’m always wary, unsure, anxious, but I’m getting there. I’ve accomplished a lot, I’ve experienced a lot, I’ve gone farther than I ever thought I would. I’ve become someone I wouldn’t have thought I could become, and I’m changing everyday, because you need to adapt to survive.

If this were someone else. Id tell them it’s ok. “It’s normal,” “everyone’s afraid,” “you have to take chances, so good things can happen too”. It’s hard sometimes to follow your own advice, but like I said, I’m getting there. Be afraid, embrace the fear, then use it to move forward. Be bold.

In other news, here’s one of Marie’s cats and the lights hanging in Denny’s.

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